I, Love, You

Composed January 24, 2013.

If this is one like the past n years, I’d have pre-birthday blues by now (fyi, my birthday is on the 31st). I’d feel so low and desperate about every factor of my life that I could think of.. How my efforts seem not enough to make me succeed in the career I’m in.. How I’d wonder if there really is someone out there for me and when in the frustrating days of waiting will it finally come knocking on my door.. How I’d miss the younger years, free of mature worries and complications.. How I’d feel how much I need to grow my spiritual relationship with God.. How I’d regret some stages of my life, thinking I would have been a better person now had I decided to not be in those situations.. How people I love seem to be expecting more from me, yet I could only give this much…

It always felt like making each year of my life pass without any satisfaction for any part of it.
It’s January 24 now, and the depression should be here by now. Yet there’s really none of it..

But I get it now. Maybe it’s ’cause my 2012 has been so great and so blessed that there was no time for any depression to seep in.

blessed

I became part of a religious community and also met new friends there.

Red Society Events Management got engaged in 5 projects last year.

Despite the storms and other calamities that hit the country, my family, friends, and love ones remained safe in our own homes or for those that have been affected, have already moved on after some time.
My mom’s one eye with cataract has been safely operated.

I got to enroll in a photography class.

Apart from the local travels I had last year, I was also able to travel to Korea and Singapore with friends and family. And last December, I was given the chance to travel to US for free. Though it was for work and not for play, I’m still thankful for that rare opportunity to discover another country and culture, one thing I always love doing.

And I guess the best part of my 2012 is meeting a good person and definitely God’s gift for me.. Someone who has proven me that there really is that one true love out th ere.. A love that makes me feel really good about myself — no negative references from the past and no worries about the future.. While one of the very few disadvantages of having all these new commitments is having to juggle my time and energy for everything that’s on my plate (and it’s really hard, I must say.. it gets tiring sometimes when I only get an average 4 hours sleep everyday), at the end of the day, having a family to go home to and a love one that I always look forward going home to, never fails to suffice.. Everything just seems right (and always better) when we’re together. A girl friend who got married last year and has gone through hard times even before marriage told me, no matter what happens, no matter how hard the times get, as long as you’re together, everything will be fine..

 And I believe her. So I’ll skip the pre-birthday blues for this year.. And hopefully it stops from now. ‘Cause I’m guessing I’d be even more in love to even think about it. 😉jajasep

When 1 Becomes Single

Being single isn’t a choice that is made just because somebody suddenly wants “freedom” and/or “independence”. In fact, I believe (and this is just my opinion) most people who have tried being in a relationship would choose to have someone to always be there rather than rely solely on friends and family for company, especially at an age when settling down becomes an option. Plus the fact that each has its certain space that you have to fill in your world.
I like this article. I like that it uncovered some points that one may really miss from being in a relationship — compromising with and structuring your life around someone; having someone to see the future with; loving someone at their most unlovable. And somehow it’s true, “We were built to love and when you don’t have a (lifetime) partner, you feel totally incomplete.”

On the other hand, it doesn’t have to be all about missing (and forgetting) togetherness and everything attached to it. While you’re single, you can use that time to learn both the basics and the complications of life and relationships; to improve yourself in all aspects possible; and to be worthy of the person who will soon come into your life and prove you that worthiness could actually be a mutual feeling.

 Go out with friends and family while a huge percentage of your attention is not taken by that charming prunes or that kite in shining armor. Apart from the fact that they will always be the most essential people in your life, your daily connections with them will teach you the values that you will need for your soon better self. Prepare to love, to trust, and to respect thru them. Listen to their stories and from there, get to know (better) how men/women generally think and feel. So that when you finally find the missing piece, you have an idea on how to (better) read between their lines, how to say the right (and honest) things at the right time, and how to hold their hands in those moments when they need someone to fill those spaces between their fingers..

 Strengthen your relationship with God. Ideally, you do this in whatever state you’re in. But I have to admit, based on experience, you really have more time when you’re single. I’m not saying that being in a relationship hinders communicating with God. But then when you’re with someone, the tendency is to spend a chunk of time with your partner and less for other things, including attending religious commitments. I’m not promoting it; it’s just the reality for most people. So while you’re single, take that as a chance to gain a higher level of pious stability. Because having a good spiritual foundation makes you more mature in handling situations and making decisions on love affairs.

 Take your career seriously and give it your best. Or if you’re still in that stage where you’re not sure of what you really want to be when you grow up (haha!), then explore your options while you’re free to decide on your own. Be it in corporate, business, or personal arrangements. I may not be that authorized to discuss this point but I just know that this should be here. If you’re hardworking AND lucky enough, then “hello, success!”. When that happens, you know you’ve had productive days even with zero lovelife. And who knows, that success may just attract a lovelife after all. 🙂

Enroll in music, culinary, photography 😉 , sports, or any other lessons that will keep you busy while developing your skills;  or be involved in social activities that will allow for new experiences. These will help discover your strengths and weaknesses. Or maybe go for #5.

 Travel. Seeing other places, discovering diverse cultures, and meeting different people does a lot in making you appreciate, respect, and embrace the uniqueness of each individual. As you travel, you will get used to sleeping and waking up in unfamiliar places. Yet at some point in your life, you will find yourself longing for that one familiar person to wake up with each morning. And that feeling may just amaze you… That someone amid the millions you’ve encountered while travelling the world outstood, with its uniqueness being the most attractive and its mere presence the warmest…

So when  one is/becomes single, there are many other things that he/she can actually be — the no.1 son/daughter, the bestest friend, the role model for good deeds, the employee of the year, the national artist/sports icon, or the traveler who’s seen the world. And when the perfect time comes, all you have to do is share your stories and your best self with the prunes or the kite who’s captured you as the 1 who was once (or has long been) single.. 🙂

Single’s Faith

Before having been invited to join Singles for Christ (SFC), I was already looking for a venue for a refresher of spirit and a booster of faith. Finally after a very long time, I felt that at this moment I need to have a deeper relationship with God. I don’t know how it came to me. I just suddenly felt it. So I planned on attending the Life in the Spirit Seminar (LSS) in our parish. But then good friends and officemates made me take one alternative. So I committed to the Christian Life Program (CLP) of ABS-CBN’s SFC chapter.

Tuesdays with God“, as i would refer to it. As I’m writing this, we’ve just had 11 talks that include baptism, wherein each participant is prayed over by a number of devotees while he/she receives whatever gift of holy spirit that he/she asks for (faith, miracles, discernment, tongues, knowledge, wisdom, prophecy, healing, interpretation).
I had the impression that the 9th talk (baptism) is supposed to be one of the turning points of the whole CLP. Even during halfway through the program, I was already expecting more change in me. That I’d pray more often, be a lot nicer to other people, that I’d consider devoting myself to voluntary services for the poor/weak. Yet I didn’t even feel that I was at least getting there anytime soon…
With this, at talk 10, when the speaker said, “This is just the beginning”, a feeling of deep relief came to me. Because I knew that I was not satisfied. The 12 Tuesdays won’t be enough. I was hungry for more.

But don’t get me wrong. I don’t aim for righteousness nor holiness. I don’t think I could ever achieve that and it’s not what I want to really accomplish in this short journey. Though I may have been expecting those that I mentioned earlier (praying more often, etc.), the basic goal is to know that I do have a God that makes me complete even with all my imperfections and shortcomings.

So the journey continues (or has just begun). Looking forward to more posts where I share bits of this journey.

_________

I remember hearing an atheist in college say that there really is no God. It’s just that people need something to associate the things that neither Science nor any other reasoning can explain and that they need something that will give them hope when ALL else fails; so they create a God that will suffice… Not that I’m even bothered with what I heard. I just suddenly understood what “faith” means.

A 45-Minute Composition

Our assignment for last Tuesday’s Christian Life Program (CLP) was to write a letter for one of our parents. I’m not sure if they really meant this as part of Mother’s Day celebration, but anyway…

Mama was on the phone talking to my tita in Panga when I kissed her to bid goodbye before leaving for work this morning. Then I handed the letter to her, explaining, “Pinaggawa kami ng letter sa SFC…” and quite quickly went out of the room.

This isn’t the first time I’ve composed a letter for her. But the last one was college pa (maybe about 7 years ago).

Though I don’t and won’t do it on purpose, I must admit I’ve taken her for granted many times in the past. I can never claim to be a perfect daughter, not even a great one. So I scanned the letter to remind myself every now and then of one of the top things I should really be thankful for in this life.

(err… forgive the penmanship. it’s even worse in college. haha..)

Now back to work. 🙂

Temporarily

At many points in our lives, we are laid on with many options. Sometimes coming up with the final choice is as easy as Calculus (of course it’s a joke), while sometimes it takes some gallons of sweat and about 95% of brain cells just to pick one (now that’s Calculus). Oftentimes, there’s battle between the emotional heart and the rational brain. At the end of each decision, one of them would always overpower the other. We fight hard in trying to make them a tie but rare are the instances when these two are of equal winning points.

So we take whatever time is given in assessing which among the choices is intellectually and emotionally optimal.

I stare at the cup of coffee and realize that I’m just halfway along the process of assessing (or I may even just have started) but deep inside, I know I’ve already unconsciously actually (and all other ___ly’s) chosen… The feeling is certain. I don’t know how others handle it, but majority of my decisions favor the heart that sometimes, it gets frustrating especially when my reasons just boil down to pure emotions. But then maybe at the end of the day, the cliche “Follow your heart” works well when used right.

So for now I’ll trust my heart. Even if it has made several bad decisions in the past. But the assessment will still go on. If my initial choice turns out wrong, it’d be a mistake that I’ll gravely regret I made…
So I hope I do it right this time.

P.S. Believe me, this article is all about career decisions.

Cheap Thrills

I’m not big on fancy restaurants or money-making places. Though I like being in such places at least once in a while, I’d go just for experience alone or maybe on rare/special dates. With fare and budget for cheap-but-good food on my pocket, i have this short list of places and activities I’d like to do just within the metro.

-Cruise along Ilog Pasig. Other friends hate calling it a “cruise” out of the connotation of the word being fancy. Anyway, I know how filthy/murky/stenchy the river can get nowadays, but I still want to try this. Just once. Then maybe I wouldn’t want to do it again. 😉


-Ride bikes in QC Circle or anywhere healthy. With the heat in QC versus the cold temperature in Baguio, why would I want to do it here? Again, ewan ko ba, I just want to try.


-Food trip in Binondo. This I’ve been wanting to do for years now. Unfortunately I haven’t found who among my friends would be willing and able to come with me.


-Isaw in UP then star-gazing at Sunken Garden. I also want to jog and eat dirty ice cream and monay around the acad oval. I’ve done these for several times already. I just miss ’em now.

-Walk around Luneta/Intramuros area. I really just want to take good photos here. But oh, I hope you’re there, my handsome subject! :* hehe.. :p

-Church-hopping. I’d do this probably during holy week’s visita iglesia. Sta.Ana, Paco, Malate, Manila Cathedral, Quiapo, Sta. Cruz, Binondo churches; here I come!

-Get drunk with tequila/gin/vodka. The 1st time I got drunk was with a bottle or two of Happy Horse. The last was with shots of tequila that made me crazy crying (or was I actually wailing? haha!) to my ex-housemates about a failed relationship.

(Oops, the last 2 aren’t in good sequence. hehe..)
So there. This isn’t a bucket list though. I wish to accomplish these within this year or at least until next, alone or with someone worth spending time with. 😉

fact #2

i’m a crybaby.

i cry out of sadness and happiness. i cry when i’m too mad or irritated. i cry when i get scared, may be through horror films or just friends’ stories. i cry when i feel so tired but can’t/is not allowed to rest or stop. ironically i also cry when i feel so tired and then i realize i’m finally free of working. i cry when i hear nostalgic songs or am reminded of certain memories. i cry of fairy tales or ideal love stories that come true. i cry (and have goose bumps) when i hear songs with amazing lyrics.